


Pyrrhic Rebirth

by raiyning



Category: Animorphs - Katherine A. Applegate
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Post-Canon, Slow Burn, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-20
Updated: 2018-11-06
Packaged: 2019-08-04 14:25:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16348409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raiyning/pseuds/raiyning
Summary: The war was won, the Blade Ship was rammed, the Animorphs died... and then they woke up.What would happen if the Animorphs were given a second chance to defeat the Yeerks? How would things change if they knew what to expect, what to avoid, and who to trust? The war could be won in almost an instant-- but perhaps, second chances aren't always all their cracked up to be. Dealing with new threats, cosmic powers, and of course, their own sanity, will prove more difficult then they could possibly imagine.This is an ongoing story, told (primarily) from the perspective of Tobias, beginning where "Animorphs" ended.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Pyrrhic: " Achieved at excessive cost" or "Costly to the point of negating or outweighing expected benefits"  
> -Merriam-Webster
> 
>  
> 
> _Open eyes young man, vigilantly hands and a heart prepared for pain_  
>  _You will lose much more in this vicious war, past and present stay the same_  
>  _But the time to come can be altered some if you listen to our song_  
>  _Do we sing in vain? Does the fact remain there is nothing can be done?_  
>  -The Dear Hunter (Writing on a Wall)

My name is Tobias.

I should be dead. 

The last thing I can remember is the taste of ash. I didn’t feel any pain and I didn’t see my life flash before my eyes. Actually, I didn’t see much of anything, really. I could brag about all the years I spent flying head-first into battle against impossible odds, but I wasn’t able to keep my eyes open in the end. I’m not brave, not like Rachel. I just closed my eyes and waited for the inevitable.

There came the shriek of metal against metal; the crunch of our ship collapsing in on itself; the pressure of being flung like a rag doll into an unyielding wall of steal; the deafening explosion; the warm lick of fire. Then the ash, the relentless taste of ash. 

Finally, there was nothing.

No heaven, no hell and no spiritual epiphany of any kind. I couldn’t feel my body but it wasn’t frightening, in fact, it didn’t seem unusual at all. I knew who I was but only in the most primitive sense-- I couldn’t wonder, I didn’t question and I never tried to move. The only way I can describe it is like being stuck in that moment between dreaming and waking up. There’s no telling how long I was there in the nothingness, but it wasn’t unpleasant. 

The numbness didn’t last forever though. Eventually things started coming back; flashes of emotions and distant memories. I remembered the warm giddiness of flying and the elation of my first kiss. I remembered the pain of a Hork-Bajir’s blade cutting into my flesh, and the overwhelming fear of nearly drowning. I was happy, sad, regretful and a million other things all at once. Then came a distant urgency, like I had forgotten something incredibly important but I had no clue what. I was grasping at straws, frightened and confused. It wasn’t until that last memory, of choking on ash, finally returned that I snapped back to reality.

I burst out of bed coughing; one hand clutched at my throat and the other grabbing at the sheets like a life-preserver. Swallowing down huge lungfuls of air I reacted on instinct-- flinging off the flimsy blanket that twisted around my body and standing up. Bright morning light filtered through half closed curtains, burning my eyes and causing me to stumble over a pile of old books on the floor. My legs felt unused and weak, but I managed to grab hold of a crooked dresser and catch my breath. 

Where was I? How did I get here? Something was wrong.

I recognized the room I was in; the narrow mattress and the cluttered shelves were all too familiar. It was my bedroom, the one at my Uncle’s house. Every detail down to the Star Trek calendar and old photographs were perfect. In fact, it looked exactly the same way it did the last time I visited it-- when the Ellimist had sent me back in time so I could acquire my human DNA (it’s a long story). There was only one key difference; the most important difference of all. 

The last time I was in this room I was a red-tailed hawk. Not anymore. No, this time I was human.

I was human.

Eyes wide, I eased myself back down onto the bed, staring at my hands in wonder. How could this have happened? One moment ago I was out in space, and now I was miraculously back at home on Earth, the exact same way it looked more then five years ago. 

It made no sense.

I might have stayed like that for hours-- shocked into stillness on my hard mattress-- if it wasn’t for the alarm on my bedside table suddenly blaring to life. Jumping at the sudden beeps, I nearly swore before swinging around and pressing the snooze button. The digital alarm read seven ‘o clock. Under normal circumstances I’d start getting ready for school right about now; I’d throw on some clothes, brush my teeth and then sneak into the kitchen before anyone else woke up. (My Uncle was always grumpy in the mornings. Near constant hangovers will do that to a person). I’d try to grab a bowl of cereal, and if everything went as planned I would get out unnoticed just in time to arrive at school before the bell rang.

Wait. No. That’s not right. I should be out in my meadow right now. It was peak hunting time, after all. The mice would be crawling out of their hollows, still drowsy, in search of something to eat. I could ride the warm morning thermals high into the sky and pick out the perfect piece of prey. I’d swoop low, strike fast, and if I was lucky, feast. I wasn’t the boy Tobias that lived in this room. Not anymore, not really. I needed to fix things. Closing my eyes, I concentrated on the hawk I had known for so long and tried to morph.

It didn’t work. I glared down at myself in frustration. I was still human. It felt wrong. I missed my wings, I missed my eyesight. I missed the freedom I was so used to. Before our trip on The Rachel I had spent nearly three years as a hawk, hardly ever morphing. I was more comfortable with feathers then in my own skin and here I was, trapped in a body that was almost entirely foreign to me. 

Again. 

The irony wasn’t lost on me.

Was this a dream? Possibly... But everything felt so vividly real. Solid. I’d experienced hallucinations before, and this didn’t feel like one. I could only assume someone, or something had a hand this. The Ellimist, maybe, or Crayak. But why here? And why now? What reason would there be for me to be sent back in time, back to before I was even useful? After all, I was only ever important when I had my morphing abilities. Tobias the human boy was just a bully magnet, but Tobias the Animorph? Well, he at least got things done. 

There was only one explanation. I glanced at the calendar, confirming my suspicion. It was a Friday. The very Friday that Jake, Rachel, Cassie, Marco and I met as a group for the first time… and decided to take a short cut through the construction site.

I pulled myself up off the bed and began searching the room for some sort of sign-- anything to explain what had happened. I don’t know what exactly, maybe a note, or my cat Dude suddenly being able to talk… anything out of the ordinary, but I found nothing. “Show yourself” I croaked, glaring at the ceiling, “Ellimist… whoever you are. Come out!” Frustrated, I waited for some sort of Godly voice to fill my room and answer all my questions in perfect detail, but of course it never came. That would just be too easy. Whatever force of nature-- alien, God, or Devil-- that had thrown me back in time obviously wasn’t going to be of much help. At least not now. 

If it wasn’t The Ellimist’s doing, could our crash have somehow caused a Sario Rip? It was possible. After all, a “simple” (according to Ax) nuclear reaction once shot us back to prehistoric times. In fact, it was a Bug Fighter crash that caused our very first experience with time travel (though, only Jake walked away with any memories of that incident). Then again, every other time we found ourselves hoping through history I’d always had my hawk form and morphing abilities completely intact. Being stuck in a past version of my human body? This was entirely new. 

Whatever. I’d been through weirder things, (one of the perks of being an Animorph). Sitting on my bed and coming up with theories wouldn’t do me much good and I wasn’t going to just accept my situation like some sort of mindless idiot. No matter what it took I would figure things out myself… probably the hard way. Standing up I sifted through my dresser and pulled out a pair of pants and a T-Shirt. I couldn’t get much done in my bedroom and I’d prefer not to get caught outside in my ratty old PJ’s. (I had at least a little bit of self-respect left.) 

Stumbling into the legs of my jeans, I caught a brief glance of myself in the small mirror by my door. It was surreal. There I was, in all my Middle-School glory: messy blond hair, lanky limbs and all. I quirked an eyebrow at my reflection, then wrinkled my nose in annoyance. Oddly, facial expressions weren’t feeling as unnatural as they used to. Actually, a lot of things felt different. The hawk’s brain that had been nestled alongside mine for so long had suddenly gone silent and left me with my human instincts completely intact. 

Finally dressed and ready to go, I took a deep, steadying breath-- attempting to brush off the waves of anxiety building in my chest-- before reaching for the doorknob and hesitantly leaving my room. 

The house was silent and I managed to sneak out without an incident. Luckily my Uncle was nowhere to be seen and I didn’t bother to hang around for a reunion. I considered turning on the old television and flicking to one of the news stations (just to fill myself in, in case anything major had changed) but decided against it in the end. After all, it was a school day and I wanted to test a theory. If I was here, did that mean Jake and Marco were as well? They were in the same crash as I was and it would stand to reason that if I was shot back in time they would have been as well. Or so I hoped.

There was another person that I wanted to see, of course, but I tried not to think about that. I didn’t want to get my hopes up. Life has a peculiar way of kicking me in the butt when I’m down and (silly though it might sound) the superstitious part of me didn’t want to jinx anything.

Hands in my pockets, I left the house and speed-walked down the sidewalk. I consciously avoided the construction site and narrowed my eyes at cars as they drove past me. How many of them held Yeerks? Were there even Yeerks in this reality? Things felt normal, but I’d experienced Time Travel before and knew just how out of hand everything could become. For now I’d have to be careful and do my best to blend in. 

The walk was a lot longer then I remembered. Maybe it was because I was impatient, or maybe I just was just too used to flying, but either way it felt like an eternity before I finally made it to the school’s crowded front doors.

There were a lot of kids. The entire front lawn was swarming with them; clustered into tight-knit groups, laughing, chatting and otherwise making an incredible amount of noise. I recognized a few former classmates, but no one I was ever on a first-name basis with. Hesitating slightly I inched my way around the perimeter, gazing over the tops of heads in hopes of spotting one of the four people I might actually be able to talk to.

I’ll tell you, it’s a lot easier to find someone when you’re a hawk.

My fingers buzzed with adrenaline. Every flash of blonde hair had me doing a double take. Despite the chaos around me I did my best to remain fixated on my goal; focused on finding the others.

That’s probably why I didn’t notice anyone coming up behind me. 

All at once I felt a meaty hand grab my shoulder and spin me around roughly; it took all my self-control to stifle the yelp that worked its way up into my throat. Part of me screamed to fly away, but that wasn’t an option anymore. I was a scrawny thirteen year old kid that couldn’t morph. There was nothing I could do.

“Look who it is! The New-Kid decided to show up on time today.”

Two muscle-bound jocks stood in front of me, grinning like a pair of hyenas. I didn’t remember either of their names, but I’d recognize those rat-like faces anywhere. They were on the basketball team, and had made me their number one target ever since I started coming to this school. 

For a split second I felt a sense of relief. This wasn’t some Yeerk commando come to scoop me up and infest me; it was just your average, run of the mill, low-grade, school-yard bullies. I mean, they could still beat me up, but at least I wouldn’t get an alien slug in my brain. That was something.

“I guess he finally managed to afford a watch.” It was the smaller one this time, grinning at his muscly friend. 

I didn’t reply. What was I supposed to say? Despite battling against hundreds of aliens, I was still no better at handling myself against a couple under-aged thugs. For a moment I considered just turning around and walking away, but I knew that wouldn’t get me far. Guys like this were persistent with their cruelty. They’d chase me throughout the school if I gave them the chance.

A spark of rage came alive in my chest. It had been so long since I’d had to deal with bullies that I almost forgot how helpless they could make you feel. What could one kid like me do against two guys like that? I couldn’t fight them head on and I couldn’t run. All I could do was suck it up and let them pick on me, beat me up or dunk my head into a toilet. Basically I had to let them win.

I didn’t want to grin and bear it. I wanted to fight back.

Jaws clenched, I got ready to say something that I would definitely regret later, when out of nowhere someone called out: 

“Hey, Bird-boy!”

My neck almost snapped in half I whirled around so fast. There, squirming through the crowd nearly a head shorter then everyone else, came a long-haired boy I almost didn’t recognize. “Marco?”

“The one and only,” he grinned, dropping his Star Wars backpack on the ground in front of me, “Long time no see.”

I balked, Marco had used my nickname-- the one he gave me after I got trapped as a hawk. That must mean that he also remembered what happened. All at once I felt a weight lifting off my chest. I wasn’t alone!

“Bird-boy?” The taller jock scoffed behind me, “Is that some fancy way of calling him ‘chicken’ or something?” I had almost forgotten they were there for a second.

“Something like that.” Marco smirked, giving me a tiny nod of recognition before facing the jocks. “See, Tobias here knows quite a bit about birds of prey. So much so, in fact, that Jake and I asked him to come help us out with some early morning homework. Isn’t that right bud?” Marco swung an arm around my shoulder good-naturedly, (though, considering the height difference it mostly felt awkward). 

“Uh, yeah.” I managed to stutter out, “We’re, uh, working on a project about red-tailed hawks.”

Marco chuckled slightly beside me. “Yeah. Red-tailed hawks."

“Did you say Jake?” the smaller jock’s eyes narrowed, “You mean Tom’s brother, right?”

“The very same.”

“Isn’t he signed up for the basketball try-outs at lunch today?”

“Yup. He’s been practicing after school all week... Which is why we’re meeting so early to finish our homework.” Marco pulled away from me; picking up his backpack and swinging it over a shoulder. “We should really get going, actually. Don’t want Jake to miss try-outs just so he can finish a stupid science project, right?”

The jocks shared a long, pig-eyed look before the larger one dipped his head in a nod. “Right”

“If Jake’s anything like his brother we could really use him on the team.” The smaller one added before we could turn away. “Tell him I’ll keep an eye out for him.”

“Yeah, yeah, of course. I’ll do that” Marco grabbed my forearm tightly and began inching away from the pair. “After, you know, were done with our bird stuff. Come on Tobias.” With a quick nod and a half-hearted salute to the two jocks, he turned away and began power-walking through the crowd, dragging me along with him. Luckily the pair didn’t bother stopping us. 

As we neared the school Marco made a sharp left, cutting behind the hedges and alongside the far wall where we would be out of public view. Normally there might be a few older students trying to claim the spot for a pre-class make out session, but this morning we were in luck-- it was unoccupied. After a quick double check to make sure no one could hear us, he finally stopped, letting go of me. “Nothing ever changes does it Tobias? Still need me around to save your ass”

I tried for a scowl but it wouldn’t come. “I could have handled it myself.”

“Keep telling yourself that buddy.” Marco smirked for a second before turning serious. “So you can’t morph?”

I shook my head. “No.”

“Same here. Can’t acquire anything either.” Marco leaned back against the brick wall, crossing his arms. “I can’t tell if that’s a good or bad thing just yet.” 

It seemed bad to me. “Did you call Jake?” I didn’t remember anyone’s numbers, or I would have tried myself. Living alone as a hawk for years on end doesn’t do much for the memory.

“I did, but no one picked up and I gave up after the third try. Figured it was for the best. Asking someone if they remember dying in a kamikaze mission on a spaceship is kind of a ‘face to face’ conversation, you know?” Sarcastic as always. Some things never changed.

It was odd that Jake didn’t pick up though. Even if he wasn’t going through the same weird time-travel thing that Marco and I were, it made no sense that he would ignore a call from his best friend. “Did you try calling Cassie?”

“No point. She’d probably be out helping with the animals anyway.” A half smile crossed Marco’s face. “Plus, I kind of just woke up. I didn’t know if anyone would still be at home. The school was my best shot.”

I glanced away, fidgeting with a bit of lint on my pocket. “So you haven’t talked to anyone other then me?” In trying to look casual I probably came off as rather twitchy, but I couldn’t help it. There was a rather big elephant in the room after all-- one I really didn’t want to talk to Marco about. Anyone but him. 

“Just you.” Marco confirmed. “But I only just got here.” he raised a bemused eyebrow.

“So, what now?” 

He sighed. “Well, normally I’d say we should go looking for them, but considering we have two cavemen on our trail--” he glared pointedly at me “--it might just be better to wait for class to start. Jake and I had first period together anyway.”

A sudden wave of anxiety spread through my chest. First period. I could remember what my first period class was. Hell, I couldn’t remember any of my classes. I dimly recalled a few fuzzy faces of former teachers, but their classrooms? My schedule? I had no idea. 

Was it gym first? Or was that the school before this one…

“Wait, seriously?” I stalled, “We died and got thrown back in time… and you’re just going to… go to class?”

Marco chuckled, “At this point in my life I’ve learned to mostly just roll with all the insanity.” He shrugged, “But, either way we have to meet up with Jake, and this is our best bet.”

“What about the others?” I prodded. We have no idea if this our trip through time affected anyone else. Who knows what could have happened to the other Animorphs? Cassie. Or… “Maybe I should go check up by the barn. You know. Just in case Cassie’s still there.”

Marco’s face betrayed no emotion, but his clipped words grated on me. “She starts class the same time as the rest of us Tobias. She’s probably on her way here already,” 

“Yeah, but who knows if she’s even going to show up? It’d be stupid for us to get stuck in class if everyone else skipped.”

I could tell Marcos patience was wearing thin. “You can do whatever you want Tobias, but I’m heading into class when the bell rings. Come with me, or stay out here. I don’t care.”

I was stuck. If I didn’t go with Marco, I wouldn’t just look like a coward, I’d look like an idiot. There really was no reason to wait around outside. I’d just draw attention to myself if someone caught me skipping class. Then again, no one seemed to notice that I dropped off the planet last time around (when I first became a nothlit). Not even my own flesh and blood.

I sighed. “Fine. I’ll come. But I’m going to have to stop by the office first. I don’t know my schedule.”

Marcos lip quirked upward, but he had enough restraint not to make a joke at my expense. Instead, after pulling himself off the wall, he motioned for me to follow him and made his way towards the main entrance. “Alright. Try and meet me by the back-doors after first period. If I find Jake I’ll bring him along.”

“Got it.” 

“If you can, look for the others. If we don’t find everyone by lunch, we can figure out what to do then. Sounds good?” Marco pulled open the school doors and ushered me in, leading me towards the office.

“Mhm.” 

“Good.” He stopped. “I’m going to go. Remember: back-doors, after first period. And try not to do anything stupid until then.” Marco’s confidence in me had no bounds. 

“Got it. Bye.” Marco eyed me one final time before turning away and disappearing down the main hallway. I was alone again.

Despite my intense anxiety, I didn’t face any trouble when I walked into the office and asked for a copy of my schedule. Either the receptionist was too tired, or too uninvolved to care that I had already been attending classes for a month. Or maybe she thought I was just that stupid. 

At least I was right in the end: gym was first.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is mostly character development, and a little less plot heavy, but I promise the next chapter will be a bit more fast paced. Sorry guys!
> 
> To be honest, I'm not sure I'm as proud of this chapter as I was my first one, but if I didn't post it now I'd be forever stuck in an editing spiral, and I don't want to do that to you guys, so... here it is! Haha.

I still had a while to wait before class started, but with nothing better to do, I made my way to the men’s change room. I forgot all my locker combinations, and didn’t have a spare set of gym clothes, so it was a rather pointless endeavor… but I went through the motions anyway. The room was large for your average Middle School’s (I would know, I’d seen enough of them), and surprisingly empty, despite the time of day. Normally one would expect at least a few kids returning from a morning’s practice. Basketball season hadn’t officially started yet, but surely there was something. Football, or Cross Country. Gymnastics.

Wait. Gymnastics.

My breath caught. Before I could process my own actions I began running. Was she there? Could Rachel have come early for gymnastic practice? 

I slid out of the locker room and into the gym-proper. There, in the middle of the room, were about a half-dozen girls in leotards. A couple were stretching, one was practicing some sort of balance-beam routine while a friend spotted her, and the others appeared to be chatting to their coach. It was completely and utterly normal, and yet their very presence caused my heart to jump into my throat. 

I realize I probably looked like an idiot. Some random kid in street clothes, running out of the locker room to stare at a bunch of girls in skin-tight outfits? It wasn’t the most well-thought out of plans. Still, I stayed rooted in place, even as the coach caught sight of me over his students head.

“Son?” He called out, alerting everyone else in the gym to my presence. “Are you looking for something?”

Seven sets of eyes found their way to my face as I gasped like a fish for some sort of reply. And yet, I couldn’t focus on much of anything other then one simple fact:

She wasn’t there.

“Son?” The coach prompted again as a few of the girls started looking to each other in confusion (one even started snickering, to my utter embarrassment).

“I, um…” I started, stumbling for an excuse. “I was looking for Rachel?”

Subtle. 

God, I was an idiot sometimes.

The snickering intensified as a couple new girls joined in. My chest tightened, but I tried to reign in the damage. “I mean, we have a project to work on. She never answered my calls last night, and…I was hoping she’d be here?” I was stealing Marco’s cover story, but I couldn’t think of much else.

The coach aimed a quieting glare down at the girls who were laughing (to little effect) before turning back to me. “Rachel called in sick today. She wont be attending class.” I nodded quickly, hardly taking in the information before he continued, “I’d appreciate it if you’d let us to get back to practice.” He wasn’t being cruel, but his words had a finality to it. I took the hint.

“Yeah. Of course. Sorry for interrupting!” I backed up slightly before turning around and rushing out the way I came.

I was supposed to be blending in. How could I have been so stupid? Absentmindedly my hand found it’s way to my hair in some nervous need to fidget. Luckily the locker room was still empty, allowing me to pace in peace as I worked out what to do next.

Rachel called in sick. Why? She hadn’t the last time around-- she was perfectly healthy-- and despite what some people might assume from her, Rachel was an amazing student with a near perfect attendance record. Something would really have to be wrong for her to ditch school.

Wrong like waking up three years in the past… after dying.

Could this mean she remembered everything too? Could all of the Animorphs have been flung back in time? Me, Marco, Jake, Rachel, Cassie, even Ax?

Oh God, Ax. The last time I saw him… I didn’t even want to think about it. What that creature had done to him. The One.

I shivered, halting my tracks. Whatever was happening, this was big. If my suspicions were correct-- if everyone really was back, on this very day, of all days-- the implications were insane. 

We were just handed the worlds biggest “Reset” button, and God help me if I wasn’t going to take advantage of it.

I didn’t hesitate anymore, I left the locker room. Hell, I left the school (though I had enough sense to avoid the front doors and any potential reunion with my bullies). I didn’t even bother trying to go look for Marco. He had his own plans in mind; he could go look for Jake, or Cassie, but I had to know. Right then. Before anything else. I had to know if Rachel was back.

I ran to her house as if by instinct. Even without my wings, I felt the distant sensation of flying. When I first woke up this morning I had tried to snuff out any optimistic hope I had, but now I let it take full reign. I don’t know how long it took me to get there, but by the time I made it to that familiar neighborhood, my lungs were burning, and my heart felt ready to explode.

Taking a moment to catch my breath, I bent over, hands on my knees, gasping. I debated walking up to the front door and ringing the doorbell. There were no cars in the driveway, so I had to assume her mom had already left for work. But it just didn’t feel right. Throughout the majority of our… relationship… I’d never had the opportunity to walk into her house like a normal guy. I’d always fly up to her window, (usually at night, to avoid any prying eyes) and rap on it with my beak, hoping she’d hear me and let me in.

And so, when I found myself underneath that same window, tiny rocks in hand, I tried to think of my actions as practical-- and less like I was acting out some cheesy 80’s teen romance movie. (Though, to be honest. Yeah. It was kinda cheesy.) 

It didn’t take long. I think I was on my third rock when I heard the creak of a slowly opening window.

It was her hands I saw first, then the hair. Rachel’s curtains concealed her face for what felt like forever, until she bushed them out of the way and looked down, our eyes connecting for the first time in so long. 

“Tobias?” 

My breath hitched. She said my name softly. Confused? Oh God, was I wrong about this? Could I have--

“Tobias!”

And all at once I knew. It was as if the world returned to me in vivid color. My chest felt ready to burst. After so long-- years!-- dreaming, longing for such a reunion, it was finally happening. Rachel had come back to me.

In an instant she disappeared from the window, and I didn’t even think twice, I just ran to her front door. It swung open, and there was a flash of blonde hair before I was wrapped up in her arms, my face burying itself in her shoulder, engulfing me in the sweet smell of her clothes. There we were, laid bare for the world to see, two thirteen year old kids holding on to each other for dear life, silhouetted by her open door.

For awhile we didn’t bother to try and compose ourselves, or even move, but all things eventually come to an end. I can’t say who pulled back first, but there we were, looking into each others eyes-- I’d forgotten how beautiful they were-- and slowly, she grabbed my hand, leading me into her house where we shut out the world behind us.

We sat down together on the couch, our sides pressed close together, seeking out the comfort of basic physical contact after everything we’d been through. There was a short, comfortable silence before Rachel’s brows knit together and she spoke: “What happened?”

How could I answer that? So much had happened. She died. We won. I ran. They found me. We hunted. I died.

And then woke up. 

I smiled a wan smile. “It’s kind of a long story.”

She nodded, turned towards me, eyes serious. “I figured. Still, I need to know.”

She was so close. Almost too close. I breathed in, slow and heavy. Then began.

I started from the moment she ceased to be; explained how she saved all of our lives, and how because of her, we beat the Yeerks. I glossed over her funeral, and the gritty details of life after the war (how Jake became known as The Killer, how Visser One lived long enough to be put on trial-- despite everything he had done and everyone he had killed). I felt the shame wash over me when I had to tell her what became of me… I knew how it made me look, and I hated myself for that. Eventually I got to Ax’s fate, and how we all-- well, most of us, at least-- went after him. Then, my last memories: “Ram the Blade Ship.” 

And ash.

She didn’t ask questions, though I saw them burning within her eyes, and for a long while after I finished she stayed silent. Finally, she turned to me. “It’s not just us, is it? The others are here too?”

I nodded. “Yeah. I think so, at least. I saw Marco earlier. He was trying to meet up with Jake in class. He should still be at the school.”

“And Cassie?” It was a fair question. We knew how Rachel, Marco, Jake and I died, but Cassie was a wild card. Then again, Rachel was here too, and she died years before us.

“I’m not sure. I didn’t see her at school, but I left before class started.”

She bobbed her head, almost absentmindedly, and a small part of me grew worried. Rachel wasn’t usually this quiet. Then again, we weren’t under the most normal of circumstances. “You okay?” I put my hand over one of hers in an attempt at comforting. It felt a little awkward. 

She shot me a half smile. “It’s just a lot, you know?” Sighing, she pulled her hand away from mine and stood up. “I feel like we should be doing something.”

“We could go back to the school?” I volunteered, “Marco and I had plans to meet after first period.”

“Yeah…” she began. A single hand clenched, then released. “Do you know what day it is?”

“I do.”

“Does that mean what I think it means?” 

I looked at the ground, then got up to stand beside her. “Maybe. I think so.”

Rachel tensed up beside me. I could tell she was getting upset, but I didn’t really understand why.

“This has to be The Ellimist’s doing, right? Or Crayak?”

“Probably.” I nodded, “Or someone like them. I tried calling out after I woke up, but they didn’t respond. Apparently being omniscient doesn’t mean they’re polite.” Or maybe they just didn’t want to answer to a thirteen year old yelling at them in his PJ’s. Kinda fair when you think of it that way…

“That’s bullshit”, Rachel almost growled “After everything we’ve done for them they can’t even answer a simple question?”

“Yeah,” I mumbled “You’d think after resurrecting someone they’d at least leave a note.”

She spun around. “This isn’t a joke Tobias. We don’t know where the others are or what’s really going on. Anything could happen.”’

“You’re right, I’m sorry.” Rachel’s glare was intense, “But this isn’t all a bad thing. I mean, we’re both alive again.” I paused, my stomach turning, before I continued. “And… I’m human.”

Her eyes softened somewhat. “You are.” 

“I mean… even if this is because of The Ellimist or Crayak, if we weren’t here we’d just be… gone, right? At least now we have… options.”

Rachel deflated, slowly lowering herself back onto the couch. She didn’t speak for awhile, even as I sat down beside her, and the silence felt cold. I wasn’t good at this; I didn’t know what to do to make her feel better. It had been so long…

“The Ellimist spoke to me, you know.” Her words were soft. Tired. “After I died, I mean. I think he was trying to be kind. He showed me how he came to be... how this whole stupid war between him and Crayak started. I don’t know if it was real, or just some made up fairy-tale for a dying girl, but that’s not the important part.” She stared deep into my eyes, not angry, but still just as intense. Willing me to understand. “I asked him if anything we did really mattered. I asked him if we-- if, I-- mattered. And you know what he said?”

I didn’t know if the question was rhetorical or not, so it took me a second to reply. “No?”

“He said we did. He said that I was brave, and strong.” Her voice hitched for a second, and my gut twisted. “But, that can’t be true, can it? If everything we did can just be erased. If nothing we did actually happened anymore… it was all pointless.” Her eyes were pleading. Soft and sad. Searching into mine, as if for some sort of answer.

“I mean, I guess that all depends on what we do now, right?”

Rachel sighed heavily, pulling away from me completely. “You just don’t get it Tobias.”

I turned towards her, pleadingly, “No, listen. If we are who we are now because of all of those experiences, even if those things never happened, we can still learn from them. We can do things we never would have known to do before. Maybe that’s why this is all happening.”

“So we can fight more, you mean. Right? Wasn’t three years of our lives enough?” She still wasn’t looking me in the eyes.

“Maybe we wont have to this time…” I began, but the words died in my mouth. 

Rachel barked out a laugh. “Of course we will. We died-- why else would someone bring us back from that? You can play dumb all you want, but weird shit like this happens to us all the time. I know the drill: someone wants our help, or wants us to serve them, or just thinks our lives are some sort of game. And now we have to follow along and play by their rules. We’re completely powerless. Don’t you get that?”

I was at a loss for words. It had been years since I’d last seen her, but Rachel seemed so different from how I remembered her. She was the one that always seemed gung-ho for a good battle; hell, her trademark phrase was “let’s do it”. Of any one of us I’d think she’d be the most excited to get back to the fight. But no, here she was, close to having a panic attack at the very thought. I wanted to help her, but I had no idea what to say or do to make things right.

Rachel tilted her head back, and took a deep breath. “I’m just so god-damn tired Tobias.”

“Tired?” I prompted. What else could I say?

“I’m tired of this-- of all of it.” Rachel paused, “It’s exhausting.”

We sat in silence for a few moments. It was clear Rachel had more to say, and I wasn’t about to interrupt, or rush her. 

When she did start talking again, her words were calm. “I did what I had to do to keep us all going. I played into the stereotype. Yeah, maybe I enjoyed a fight or two, but that’s not the point. I changed who I was, so I could be who the Animorphs needed me to be, and I hated every minute of it. I hated how you all looked at me like some sort of loose canon, and how Jake felt like he had to keep me on a leash like a blood-thirsty monster. But you know what? Any one of those stupid missions we went on could have gotten us killed. If I wasn’t there to urge us all into battle, who would? I did what none of the rest of you could because it had to be done. I was there to watch as David got stuck as a rat. I killed him when he begged for it. Me. I did it because those are the sort of things that break people-- and I didn’t want to put anyone else through that.” 

My stomach rolled. Despite everything, I guess I never realized just how much Rachel was going through. She might have opened up to me more then most… but not about this.

“And I don’t want to keep doing it. I don’t think I’m strong enough Tobias. I thought that last mission with Tom was going to be it. I didn’t want to die, but if I did, at least it would all be over. You know? I could relax… or just… stop.”

It hurt to hear how Rachel was feeling… especially since I could understand what she was going through. Maybe not in the same context… but knowing how hard it is to wear a mask day in and day out? Yeah. I got that. 

And I knew exactly what it felt like to want to stop trying. 

“I know.” It was barely a whisper, but Rachel heard me. Turning around, eyes glistening with unshed tears, she pulled me into another hug.

“Yeah. You do.” Her chest heaved against mine, “It’s just not fair.”

I held on tight, “Maybe this isn’t permanent.”

Rachel let out a single ironic laugh. “I don’t really think that makes it better.”

“It doesn’t.” I agreed. "But whatever happens, we'll make it work. Okay?"

She nodded against my chest.

I did my very best to believe her.


End file.
